I don’t know if your family are anything like mine, but if they are then you may have experienced similar mixed feelings on a rainy Saturday afternoon. Excitement at all being together in the same space for the afternoon, concern that there is enough to do without boredom kicking in, and dread that someone’s mood could be put out of place with a roll of the dice. Often the chosen activity was to play a board game – something we all enjoyed – despite tensions fluctuating depending on who was winning.

The game that heightened these tensions the most had to be the ‘Game of Life’. If you’ve never played it the game is pretty simple. You roll a dice to make your way through life, landing on different squares that determine your destiny. For example, different squares give you children, make you change your job, or win the lottery. If only life were so simple! The winner is the person who ends with the most money, which is influenced largely by your salary (picked up each turn and dependent on the job you have) and how much you manage to invest, but also by the randomness of the squares you land on.

Before playing we would ensure our kids all signed up to two simple extra rules, deemed to be extremely necessary from previous experience. First, that they had to finish playing the game once started, as the temptation for one of them to quit when they were losing was very high. And second, that emotional outbursts had to be kept in check. This was generally managed until someone landed on the “sue another player” square. At this point there was a lot of heated discussion as to why they shouldn’t be sued or why someone else should be. And you can imagine the rollercoaster of emotions in the room.

I did often wonder if it was worth it as I had to take the role of sympathiser, referee and competitor all at the same time. Those rainy afternoons were certainly an emotionally exhausting experience.

On reflection, the Game of Life is really rather truer to life than any of us like to admit. The game is so unpredictable as no one really knows who has the most money until the end, and at any point you could land on a square that could nearly bankrupt you. Although there is some opportunity to steer the direction of your life, this is very limited, and largely the randomness of the dice takes over. Our real lives are no different. We have no idea what is going to happen over the next 10, 20 or 30 years. And yet we kid ourselves that we are in control of the direction of our life.

Locus of control

One hundred years ago Western society had its authority located in the external. People would take their values and direction from a source outside of themselves. These external authorities, such as parents, churches, schools, etc., were looked up to for their decisions about what is right and wrong and, therefore, they had a certain control over life.

In recent years the location of this authority has shifted away from the external to the internal. The replacement is individualism, where an individual looks inside themselves to determine right or wrong, and so becomes their own source of authority and control.

The “be true to yourself” mantra has become the new way of doing life. In this new culture it is considered more important to be yourself, to have control over your own destiny rather than to conform. The ultimate goal is to throw off any external authority as that is deemed controlling and repressive. We are encouraged to “chase our dreams” before anything else, to fulfil our desires, and not give up pursuing our own happiness for anything or anyone.

Chasing the dream

We may think that since we are Christ-followers we don’t fall into this way of thinking, but really none of us can escape the influence that society has on us. It is so subtle; it pervades our way of doing things. The “chasing after our dreams” mindset comes out in the desire to have more than basic food and clothing, which is all Paul says we need. And not just more physical things but emotional things too, such as the desire to be significant, relevant, popular and others.

This need to have even more than we have now leads us to push to control our lives in order to achieve the things or status that we believe will give us fulfilment. We work hard to fulfil our dreams, whether they be the next holiday, something to make our home more comfortable, a family experience, or higher status at work, etc. All in the belief that when we have achieved that one more thing then we will be more fulfilled. I am sure we can fill in the blank for “I will be happy when….” Whatever we put in that box is the thing that we believe will then make life easier and more fulfilling.

Yet we actually have very little control over any of this. I have heard it mooted that perhaps we only control around 15% of our lives. That means that 85% of our lives are not determined by what we do or how we do it. Life is actually very precarious, just like the board game.

Fulfilling our dreams is maybe not as accessible as we like to believe. And to be honest, since it can all fall over at any instance, it is exhausting trying to sustain it. Living this way means we are subject to constant worry that the things we have built around us – which we believe we need in order to be happy – may collapse.

This could be our health – can life be fulfilling without it? Or our work, without which we can’t afford the things we feel we need, or maybe we won’t have the status we feel we deserve. Or it could be our family, without which we would feel lonely and lost. Or our reputation – maybe as someone who has life sorted or is fun or respected. All of these, if taken away, would make us feel insignificant. If any of these areas collapsed we may be left thinking, “Who are we?” or, “How can we exist?”

Renounce everything?

These beliefs that we hold onto so very tightly form the basis of our mini-kingdom. And yet they are the polar opposite of what Jesus teaches. He says

Any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple. (Luke 14:33)

This is really simple and straightforward language but it makes me feel very uncomfortable. Renounce all that I have? What does Jesus mean?

The temptation is so easy to find a way round this so that I am not called to actually believe what Jesus is saying. Is he talking about renouncing all these things that I hang on to, the things my “dreams” are made of, the things I believe will make me happy? And if he is saying I should renounce all that I have, he must be talking about giving up my need for significance and control too.

The sense in the original Greek is that unless we renounce all things we won’t be able to become a true disciple; that our actual ability to follow Christ will be stunted. It isn’t about Jesus saying we won’t be in the kingdom, but rather that our transformation and healing will not be able to take place. Too many other things will get in the way of the freedom he promises. Jesus wants to transform us into his likeness and we can only make way for that when we are prepared to give up trying to control everything.

When Jesus talks to the rich young ruler, Jesus tells him,

If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me. (Matthew 19:21)

Notice the order of this: Jesus says he has to first sell all his possessions. Second, give to the poor. And then he can follow Jesus. He had to get rid of the stuff that was in the way in order to be able to follow.

It might not be possessions for you. But all of us have things that get in the way, that we keep hanging on to, that we think we can’t give up.

Gaining Christ

Paul was someone who had mastered this, as much as any human can. When talking about all of his status and the stuff that made him something in society, he says to the Philippians,

I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him. (Philippians 3:8-9)

Paul had learnt that relinquishing control was the only way to really “gain Christ”. The dreams – emotional and physical – that we convince ourselves will bring us fulfilment, all of these Paul considered rubbish. Of no value. Completely worthless.

He then says,

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:12-13)

Paul had learnt through his circumstances that reliance on himself would never bring security or contentment. It was only through renouncing control of his circumstances and human desires that he was “found in Jesus”.

Paul was one of those people who took in his stride whatever life threw at him. Sometimes we may be privileged through life to meet one of those people. These are people who surrender their lives, who don’t constantly think that they just need a couple of things to change in order for life to be better. They have given up control, just like Paul. Content to give all things to Jesus. For him to do with them what he wants.

They truly say “Your will be done.” And in that they “gain Christ and are found in him”, their source of strength coming from Jesus.

Surrender to Jesus

Jesus doesn’t tell us to give up everything on just one occasion. This theme is peppered throughout his teachings. Elsewhere he says,

For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self? (Luke 9:24-25)

Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. (Luke 9:23)

These aren’t easy words. Jesus is really turning society’s thinking upside down. This is the opposite of chasing your dream or controlling the next decade of your life. This is about surrender. Whole, total surrender.

Jesus clearly isn’t saying, “Follow me and follow the desires of your heart, chase your dreams and fit me in on the side; work to be significant, in your job, in your church life, in popularity and friendships, and then come to church and worship me.”

Instead, Jesus says that if we want to be his disciple, his apprentice, we need to deny ourselves. We need take up our cross daily and follow him. To follow him wherever and however. Not just doing what we want and having Jesus on the side.

The thing is, I do want Jesus, and I do want him to be my King, but I am not sure I want the cost. And to be honest, I find it scary to think about giving up control. It seems easier for me to come to church and expect God to do the transforming whilst I just live my life as I want.

But Jesus is quite clear that without living his way, we aren’t really living. We aren’t experiencing the freedom that he can bring. The freedom from this relentless pursuit of what we think will make us happy.

What do you need to crucify?

Back in the era of the crusades it is said that the Knights Templar were baptised before they went off on their crusade to kill all the Jews – hardly very godly! They were baptised in full armour but held their sword above their head, out the water, as the rest of them were immersed. It was like they were saying, “I am willing to crucify this much but I can’t give you my all.”

So what is it for you or me? What are you holding out of the water? What is the thing you are saying to Jesus, “You can have so much of me, but don’t take this thing.”

You might find it difficult to think of one thing in particular. One way I have found helpful is to think through the things that I am not happy to talk to God about. Specifically the things about which I feel uncomfortable saying, “Your will be done.”

I know it is easier to give God some areas of my life – like asking him to help with difficult relationships or my kids or my church – but other aspects make me feel anxious when saying to Jesus, “Here you go – take this and do whatever you like with it.” Giving Jesus that much control is really scary. I am scared that giving it over could make me less popular, less comfortable or seemingly have less significance.

This fear is probably because I don’t truly trust that living his way will bring me far more fulfilment. That it would set me free, even if that means that life is less comfortable in our society’s terms.

So what about you? What is it that makes you feel uncomfortable when saying to God, “Here you go, do whatever you want with it?”

Putting it to death

So where do we start? How do we put to death our own desires and truly follow Jesus? The idea can seem so daunting it is hard to know where to begin.

Jesus used a lesson from nature. He said,

Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life. (John 12:24-25)

All around us in nature we see the pattern of death, burial and resurrection. Seeds die, fall to the ground and then new life occurs. It is just the same with the spiritual. The unhelpful desires must die and be buried in order for new life to grow.

A daily recognition of those things that we are holding on to (that we can’t seem to give Jesus), and a giving of them up, will allow us to have new life, to be born again and grow. And just like the growth of a seed, the process isn’t quick. Most of the time we can’t see it. Yet it can grow into an enormous plant – like a mustard tree. The benefits far outweigh the sacrifice.

Our normal way of making changes to our lives is by grit, determination and will power. And we may think that this is where we start, believing that we need to knuckle down and get on with it. Surely if we read scripture, listen to podcasts, pray a lot and maybe even fast we will get there…

There is certainly plenty of value in these spiritual disciplines, but I can see that in my own life this has become just another area I have tried to control. I tried to control my dreams. And I have also been trying to control my spiritual transformation. And quite frankly it has been exhausting.

When I think about the analogy Jesus used of dying, maybe I have been getting it all wrong. I wonder if “death to self” is less active than passive.

I haven’t been with anyone who has died, and obviously haven’t experienced it myself, but I wonder if dying is less like grasping for control and more like giving in to it. We can’t make ourselves die. Dying happens to us.

Is death to self similar? Rather than trying to control where my life is headed and the path of my own spiritual transformation, maybe death to self is more about handing it over. About leaving the worry with God. About accepting who I am right now and what circumstances I am in.

This came home to me the other day whilst I was battling in my mind over some thoughts which I knew were unhelpful and sinful. I was raging against them, knowing that God didn’t like the way I was thinking. And neither did I. And yet however much I seemed to pray about it they didn’t go away. I tried to break down in my mind the reasons for my feelings, hoping that if I just could understand where they came from I could master them and think like Jesus. I was trying to control how I was feeling. And I was failing miserably.

It then dawned on me that these thoughts were probably never going to go away. That no matter what I do I probably won’t ever understand them And God doesn’t promise that they will be removed by prayer. And then I remembered that Jesus asked me to give everything to him, renounce all that I have. Even the way I was thinking right then.

So that is what I did.

I simply gave the thoughts to Jesus and asked him to do what he wanted with them.

Wrestling with the destructive thoughts was necessary to help me see me as I am. But ultimately I needed to give the thoughts to God. I needed to accept his forgiveness and relinquish control.

In this life I am never going to be perfect. I am never going to completely remove my anxiety, my problems and my destructive habits. I can put things in place which help me see them in a different way through reading, meditation and prayer. But ultimately, to surrender to Jesus, I have to give these thoughts to him.

The acceptance and joy I felt as the burden of control was lifted was so freeing. It made me appreciate the forgiveness of God anew. And it allowed me to accept who I was and what was happening.

The beauty of Jesus is that he knows that only by renouncing ALL aspects of our life will we be truly free, resting in the knowledge that God has it all. There is no judgement in this, only love.

I cannot will myself to stop worrying, to stop feeling negatively about someone or something. But I can put it to death by handing it over. By allowing Jesus to do the work.

Making it a daily practice

Maybe some areas of your life just seem too big and massive to hand over to God. I particularly struggle with the need to be significant. I want to be thought of as doing a great job, as serving Jesus well, as important within my family and within my church. And this need for significance seems so big and massive I don’t know where to start in putting this to death.

But that is the beauty of handing it to Jesus. Once I give it to him then he can start to help. He doesn’t expect me to do it myself. And this is why he asks us to hand it over daily.

Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. (Luke 9:23)

This isn’t a one off event. This is a daily surrender. We aren’t going to master in in a day.

I find it helpful to picture a cardboard box that I fill with the thing that is hard to surrender. And then in my mind’s eye to imagine myself giving that box to Jesus saying, “Here you go, do whatever you want with it.”

I don’t find it easy but I know that by doing this on a daily basis, over time Jesus will help me reduce the value I put on them, and help me to rely on him instead. Jesus knows what we need. He doesn’t need us to be articulate. He just asks us to bring the box.

I have started to do this at night before I go to sleep. I review my day with God and think about the areas I have been close to him and the areas that I have been far away. I think through what I have held on to that day. What has been important to me and that I have clung to? What things wouldn’t I naturally want God to take away? And then I put them in the box and give it to him.

Slowly over time, I believe God will use this surrender to help me loosen my grip on the things that I try to control. Paul says,

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. (Galatians 2:20)

Paul had put to death this way of living, the need to control his own life and his own importance. In so doing, he said that he no longer lives but Christ lives in him.

Christ promises to live in us too. And this will happen as we surrender from the pressure to control our lives, the pressure that says we need status or significance in the eyes of others, the pressure that says we won’t be anyone without certain possessions or lived experiences and the pressure that says we need to control our own transformation to be like Jesus. All these pressures are gone when we give them to Jesus. He experienced this need to control just like us. And he asks us to share his yoke with him.

When we learn to put them at his feet daily, we will not fall apart when we land on the squares of life that take away our “dreams” or when we lose (in the world’s eyes) at the game of life. Instead we will know freedom, being daily renewed and able to truly experience the peace which transcends understanding.