Me Too

We live in a world where sexual oppression and violence, especially against women, is rampant. Turning on the TV or radio, or just looking through the papers, there is always a story about cases like these.

A few days ago, I was looking at the front page of one of the major newspapers here in the UK. Of the 8 headlines, 6 of them were stories about violence and or sexual abuse against women and children! Recently, there was news about the nabbing of the ring leaders of a sex trafficking ring, and another story about a young lady who was “arrested” by a police officer, and later ends up being murdered by him!

When those who have been put in place to protect you become the predator… When will it stop? Will it ever stop?!

Where is God? Is He seeing all these? Where is His face when people are dying trying to cross the borders in despicable conditions?! When little girls and young women are being sold into slavery and trafficked for sex work?

These stories have been going on from time immemorial, as far back as Bible times.

Hagar

Genesis 16 is one of the earliest recorded stories of the abuse and violence faced by women – especially slaves – with Hagar as the victim. Hagar has everything going against her as an Egyptian maid. She is discriminated against as a result of her status as a slave, her race and her sex – not very different from the world we live in today – and she is seen as an object, not a human being. Her mistress, Sarai, unable to bear children, hands her over to her husband Abram as a wife, for him to do with her as he pleased, to sleep with her for the sole purpose of procreation. Hagar had no say in the matter. We see her getting pregnant and having to run away after being maltreated by this same mistress who she had devoted her whole life and body to. By running way, Hagar becomes the first woman in the Bible to free herself from oppressive structures put in place by man. This was not to be the end of her story. We see her go back to her mistress and bearing Ishmael. It is not hard to imagine the animosity that would have been rife between both women, considering the situation of things. Once Isaac was born, Sarah was keen to do away with her, eventually seizing the opportunity when she heard Ishmael teasing Isaac. Hagar and her son are sent away into the wilderness. And in typical Hagar fashion, she tries to run away when faced with the possible death of her son from dehydration.

It is easy to find escaping or running away as a solution to our problems. As tempting as this is, we must remember that it is only a temporary solution. Despite this, Hagar, an exceptional woman, has an encounter with God every time she runs away. The first time was so moving she names God as The One who Sees her (v13). The second time around, we see God intervene and come through for her and her son (Gen 21: 8-21). Hagar becomes the first woman to be visited by God in the wilderness, leading the way for numerous other wilderness encounters we read about in the holy book.

Bathsheba

Another woman who suffered sexual assault at the hands of a powerful man is Bathsheba. 2Sam 11–12 tells her story. A woman of unusual beauty was taking a bath when the king, walking on his rooftop, spotted her and sent someone to find out about her. He was told she was the wife of one of his soldiers. Yet that did not stop him from summoning her, and sleeping with her. Imagine: a king who should have been fighting in battle for his people, was at home instead and taking advantage of the wife of one of his soldiers. For his own sexual gratification. He had no intention of making her one of his numerous wives – if he had wanted to, as the king he had such power. He only wanted to satisfy an immediate sexual urge, after which he sent her back home thinking that was the end – until a few weeks later, when she finds out she is pregnant and informs him. In a bid to cover up this dastardly act, he asks for her husband Uriah to return home from the battle ground and be with her. Uriah refuses. David invites him to dinner and gets him drunk, hoping that would sway him. Still he stood his ground.

A drunken Uriah was more honorable than a sober David!

David’s efforts to get Uriah to sleep with his wife Bathsheba proves futile. He could have given up here. But as it is with sin, once you get started, it is difficult to stop. He ends up arranging for him to be murdered in cold blood. He even had Uriah himself deliver the letter that led to his death.

To cover up one sin, another sin is committed.

The best way to stop sin is before it starts.

After Uriah had been killed, David marries Bathsheba – of course, this does not rectify any of his actions (and he still gets punished for it).

So Bathsheba loses not only her husband, but a child as well. How tragic for her! All of these due to the selfishness of one man. Although we are not told any specific engagement between God and Bathsheba, it is very clear whose side He is on – her son is blessed by God, and becomes part of the lineage of the Messiah.

Tamar

Flipping our Bible a few pages after the story of Bathsheba, we stumble upon Tamar, another one who was preyed upon by her own flesh and blood! (2Sam 13)

Tamar, the daughter of King David is described as very beautiful, and her half-brother Amnon fell “desperately” in love with her, to the point of obsession! Amnon confided in his cousin Jonadab about his feelings towards his sister. And he then comes up with a crafty plan to take advantage of her. Like Father, like son. Right? Poor Tamar! There she was, taking care of her sick brother when he grabbed her, demanding forcefully to have his way with her. She pleaded with him, but her pleas fell on deaf ears. He raped her. And then we are told that immediately after, his love turned to hate. This goes to show that Love and Lust are very different. Lust often disguises as Love, but there is a very thin line between Lust and Hate.

After performing this very despicable act on his half-sister, he sends her away. God strongly forbids rape (Deut 22:25-29), but sending Tamar away was an even greater crime because it made it look as if it was all her fault. Of course, there were no witnesses to the crime and this incident had destroyed her chances of marriage – in those days, you could only be given away in marriage if you were a virgin.

David did nothing to address the situation. His whole family, and the nation he ruled, was in chaos. And he probably wasn’t the best person to chastise his son considering what he himself had done.

We must remember that God’s standards for moral conduct should not be suspended when we deal with family matters. When we look away, cover it up, or just simply do nothing, we are silently perpetuating these sins.

It is interesting to note that the meaning of Tamar is Palm Tree, which is a symbol of justice in Jewish tradition (think of Deborah). Justice is what women all over the world require. Tamar in this story, did not get justice. And neither did several other women in Bible times. And neither in this day.

Tamar rightly treated this disgraceful incident as the calamity that it was. She did not blame herself, saying, “Maybe it was my fault.” She went public and lamented over her loss, tearing her robe and putting ashes on her head, not giving any place to shame.

If you have been abused, know that it is not in any way your fault. NO MEANS NO.

Tamar pleaded with her brother, she asked him not to force her, even offered to marry him if he asked their father. Still he raped her. Today, more than 80% of women who have been sexually assaulted know their abuser. There is no need to hide it or cover up. Report it to the right authorities, and let appropriate action be taken, regardless of who the abuser is.

Esther

Taking a small detour, we move on to a story recorded in the book of Esther. Xerxes was a pagan king and he was a big deal in those days. His kingdom stretched from current day India to Ethiopia, ruling over 127 provinces! He decided to throw a banquet for all his nobles, also inviting military officers from Persia. Now, imagine all these men drinking endlessly for several days – the Bible records that the initial celebration lasted 180 days – and then the king hosted another banquet for 7 days for the people in the fortress of Susa. At the end of this merriment, in high, drunken spirits, this King Xerxes orders his Queen Vashti to appear before them with the crown on her head, for the nobles and the men to “gaze upon her beauty”.

Vashti declines. And rightfully so! You might wonder why. After all, it seems like a harmless request, and it’s only normal for men to want to show off their beautiful wives. Right?

No. Vashti’s refusal might be better understood if you’re familiar with the Jewish tradition that she was ordered to appear before the king naked, with only the crown on her head. That is why she refused. And even today, Vashti is regarded as a heroine in the Purim story.

Imagine having all these drunk, perverted men, leering at you, a whole Queen! How rude and disrespectful of Xerxes. Now, instead of him admit he was wrong, and backtrack, Vashti gets punished for it – a punishment that was chosen by these same men!

The penalty was for Vashti to be banished, and another Queen be chosen in her stead. So, agents were appointed to bring beautiful, young virgin women into the royal harem in the palace of Susa. Hegai, one of the King’s eunuch was put in charge of them, making sure they all received beauty treatments, etc. Esther was one of these women.

Now, at this point, these women, more or less belonged to the king. They became his wives and concubines, and he could do with them as he pleased in accordance to the laws of the land. And every single one of these ladies were trying to become Queen. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be Queen if given the opportunity? They spent 12 months in Hegai’s care, where they were nurtured with oils and spices made especially for them. When each woman’s turn came, she would take whatever she wanted from the harem along with her to spend a night with the King.

It was very common sight back in my home country of Nigeria, to see banners and posters tagged, “A night with the King”, and other variations of that. These were usually adverts or invitations to church programs, prayer sessions or vigils by different Christian denominations. I always asked myself, “What really happened on this particular night with the King?”

In history, the Roman and Persian empires were two of the most sexually depraved empires. I mean, a Persian king who has virgins lawfully prepared for him with oils and spices – what does he do with them? A lot of ladies had gone into the Royal Chambers, and the Bible states that the King was highly impressed with Esther. Now, what do you think she did? What must have transpired between her and King Xerxes for him to decide right away that she just had to be his queen, and set the royal crown on her head? Let’s ponder upon that for a moment.

It is said that Esther was ahead of all her contemporaries. Rightly, she must have been extremely good looking to have been among the chosen ones And also well behaved, for she obtained favor in the sight of Hegai. When it was Esther’s turn to go in, she heeded Hegai’s advice, took only what he suggested and obviously it worked, because we are told the king loved Esther more than any of the other young women.

The “One night with the king” was not a romantic evening. It was an evening filled with desperation! Esther had to do all she could to win the King over. This does not mean that Esther was promiscuous, or immoral. What she did was lawful according to the laws of the land. Esther and the other virgins were striving to please the king and get the crown. God’s favor went ahead of her. That is why she was favored by Hegai, so that when she went in to meet the king, she would be the best among the rest. Esther did all of this to be instrumental in the deliverance of her people, which she did not even mention her allegiance to as this could have gotten her disqualified.

Esther was Queen – but she was slave to that position! It was definitely not a Disney movie situation. She feared for her life, a legitimate and founded fear.

The story of Esther is not a story of Romance. It is a tragic story of slavery, misogyny, sexual oppression and loss. Esther (whose original name was Hadassah) had to abandon her Jewish identity in order to stand a chance in the society.

Bystanders

One common theme in all the stories above is that there was nobody to stand up to the offenders. Abraham did not attempt to question Sarah’s choices or decisions. King David’s men could not make him see reason with his despicable decision. Jonadab did not counsel his cousin Amnon. None of the numerous men Xerxes had with him could call him to order – in fact they egged him on.

Dear Young Men, reading or listening or watching this, there is a need to be careful of the company you keep. Friendships between men who objectify women creates an environment where sexual assault, including rape, becomes action. Look at Jonadab and Amnon. While Jonadab doesn’t suggest rape, he advises his cousin Amnon to deceive their father and lure Tamar into a situation where she is helpless.

Again, when those who are meant to protect you become the predator! Even though Amnon was responsible for this crime, Jonadab is complicit as well. You cannot be ‘an innocent bystander’ when your male friends are acting out of line, being lustful, or feeling entitled to women’s or girls’ bodies. You constantly need to ask yourselves, “Where do I stand?” Let the words which Apostle Paul wrote to his dear son in the Lord, Timothy, constantly resonate with you:

Treat older women as you would your mother, and treat younger women with all purity as you would your own sisters (1Tim 5:2)

How you read the story of Esther, Abraham and Hagar, David and Bathsheba, and other similar scenarios, reveals much of your heart and your posture towards men and women. In all of these stories, women are being sexually oppressed.

Brave and Courageous

It is important to tell these stories to recover their dignity and enable us see beyond the oppression these women faced, where their only crime was being a woman. These women stood up against the violent misogyny of a Pagan world. They were brave and courageous and they persevered to rise above circumstances.

It is high time we have these hard conversations. We cannot continue to shy away from topics relating to sexualization or domestic violence, because the truth is these situations are happening right under our noses. And it is not always clear-cut or obvious. It might be the husband who is, “just a little difficult to deal with when he’s had a few drinks.” Maybe turning a blind eye, or walking (sometimes even running) away is how we deal with these issues.

It is reassuring to know that you are not alone, even when you feel that way. These stories were not put in the Bible just because. I believe God has given them to us to learn from.

And when we are ready, and more importantly, when it is safe to do so, we can read these stories and have our eyes opened.

It is my desire for our churches to be safe places for women, where they can flourish and abound in all God desires them to be. And we must be able to see the true heroes where tradition only saw side-characters to the stories of men.